"I'm John McCain, and I Have Saved Babies From Democrat Vampires."

Written by: Kate Drazner on Oct 8, 2008 12:17 PM EDT

Last night, I received an email from my boyfriend's younger, college-age brother, and, after I picked myself up off the floor from laughing, I realized that this absolutely needed to be shared far and wide. The email contained his own synopsis of the debate last night, which I found to be hilarious, shrewd and poignant all at the same time, for multiple reasons:

-here is a kid whom I have never known to be particularly political, able to, in one fell swoop, see through all the campaign-spin BS and read the subtext of what the candidates say their policies will actually be,

-it speaks to how the circus-like nature of this campaign season, combined with the recent financial crisis is getting more youth engaged in the election, and

-it shows how the roles these candidates have been playing this election season fit into literary archetypal roles that could seriously be the basis of a superhero movie- McCain as the aged, glory-seeking villain fallen from grace, and Obama as the virtuous underdog earning his glory through sheer virtuosity and grace.

Oh, also, it's effing hilarious.

Read this and enjoy!

Question: lets talk about taxes...

McCain: I want to lower taxes, and enact a governmental tax freeze. This will put money in the pocket of the average person and let the government climb out of its debt.

Obama: Here is the fundamental difference between us two. I want to raise taxes strategically and realign the spending policy. This will give money to the average middle class American and will ultimately reduce the national debt

McCain: But... that's basically what I just said. Only you said it different.

Obama: Nope

McCain: Sounded the same to me

Obama: I bet it did

McCain: Oh, ok ok ok. I got it. See? My friends, just listen to what he said! He wants to raise taxes! That means we are going to spend more money! Taxes = people pay more = Obama's an idiot. Simple math here.

Obama: I don't think you were actually awake for my response Senator. That or you are purposefully being a moron. My plan will lower taxes for 90% of the population, it will raise the governmental income which will help erase the debt, and it will decrease overall governmental spending while simultaneously increasing spending on key policies like renewable energy and healthcare.

McCain: Taxes = Bad! Taxes = Bad! Say it with me my friends! Taxes = Bad!

Moderator: uhhhh ok. new topic. foreign policy

McCain: America is the single greatest force of good in the history of the world. Ignore the UN. Ignore Nato. No other organization has ever been as good as us. forget the fact that we invaded Iraq to steal its oil. Forget the fact that we attacked Vietnam because we were afraid of communism. we were doing good, its just that those people didn't realize it. We know what good is, they just haven't figured it out yet.

Obama: well, hey, I kind of agree with you Senator. we are pretty swell. I mean, Jack Bauer is an American after all. And he is still alive, somewhere. Speaking of which, I wonder when he's gonna surface again?... http://www.fox.com/24/

McCain: no, wait a sec. Is that what Obama thinks? I mean, what I said earlier was wrong. You see, Obama doesn't understand. He just doesn't have the experience. He hates Americans troops! He said so to me just yesterday. This is a direct quote "I am Barack Obama and I hate American soldiers... and babies." No joke. Not me, I am John McCain. I have done absolutely everything that anyone can possibly do. I have reached across the isle. I have saved babies from burning buildings. I have reached across the isle and saved babies from democrat vampires. I personally flew to Iraq in this sweet, iron, flying-man suit I made to destroy terrorist weapon caches. I have given birth to a...

Obama: Woah woah woah. Here is the thing. I never voted against supporting the troops, I just wanted to set the conditions of our withdrawal. I never wanted to be there in the first place. McCain supported Bush with the war in the beginning, and there never were any weapons or Al Qaeda there.

McCain: I don't think Obama gets it. You can't have a surge unless you already have troops there. And it worked, didn't it? Why can't you just admit that I am right about this? You see, this is a tactic. I know what I am doing. I am the man. I am Senator John McCain. I was a Prisoner of War. Obama wants to attack Pakistan! What? We are still fighting a war in Iraq! How can we start another war, that's stupid. If you say you are going to attack them, then they will know it! You have to just attack them and then later you come with a reason.

Obama: I have to clarify this point. No I did not say that. I said we had to have open, peaceful, political discussions with them. And dude, listen to yourself. Two wars? Do you hear what your saying?

McCain: Well, here is the thing. I can't really hear what I am saying. I'm 146 years old, give me a break. But Obama doesn't have any military experience! I have been through all this before, I'm like Kurt Warner... (no, that's no good, too German). Ok! I'm like Roger Clemens. I'm the old veteran that everyone still loves cause he was such a model for good sportsmanship. Not Obama. He wants to invade Pakistan! Hah!

Obama: bigger man... bigger man... No comment

Question: What are you going to do to make sure Congress moves quickly to
support energy reform?

McCain: Nuclear Power is the Key! My friends, Obama says he wants it to be
safe or something, blah blah blah. I say screw that!, lets split some
atoms!

Obama: What are you retarded or something? Of course I support the
development of Nuclear energy, I just want to make sure it is safe and the
waste is correctly dealt with. Umm, Chernobyl? You ever see The Hills have
eyes? noooo thank you...

Moderator: Ok, last question. What don't you know, and how will you learn it?

Obama: What don't I know? Well, other than nothing, I suppose I don't really know what this question means. So let me tell you what I do know. I do know that McCain keeps repeating the same talking points. I do know that even though I refute a lot of what he says about my policies as being false, he just repeats it again in the next question. And I do know that he is probably going to answer this question with some vague response like, what I don't know is what no one knows, or some bullshit. Duh! of course you don't know it if no one knows it.

McCain: I don't know what day it is...

Moderator: And that concludes our debate. Thank God

I seriously don't know what would make a better movie than the events of this election, especially given articles written in earnest with headlines like "Supporters Defend McCain's Grumpiness."

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